Why I Thought I Only Wanted a Boy
So, as I get to know myself more and more, I reflect on my pregnancy of my son. I vividly remember telling those around me that I wanted to have a boy because I thought I was better prepared to handle a boy- I didn’t want to comb hair, I didn’t want to deal with volatile emotions, I didn’t want to have to play dress up games. My rationale was that I wanted to get dirty with my son in the mud and sand and be proud of it.
But in all transparency, I did not want a daughter because I was scared that she would turn out like me. And that she and I would repeat the cycle created by my mother and grandmother. I was afraid that my daughter would resent me, would become numb to my absence, would think I am selfish, or simply would not love me. I look at my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and reflect that they all had bad relationships. No one told them how to accept love because they were so use to be these hardened women who did not show love or affection.
I was afraid to have a daughter knowing that I did not know how to be a mother- as I type this I am not sure how having a boy made this different but somehow I convinced myself that it would. As I move forward in life, I pray that if God blesses me with a daughter that I am able to be a great girl mom! I want to show my future daughter that generational cycles do not have to persist with us- that we can love each other fully and completely without boundaries. I want to be the one in my family to break the cycle of toxic mother/daughter relationships starting with my future daughter.
I wrote this 2020 when my son was about 18 months old. It is now 2022, and I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 4 months old!
God gives you what you need when you need it!
I am blessed!